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Dubai...

okay, okay...
I know
I haven't written in here for a LONG time...

by the way,
I started this blog this year
and yet it's soooooooo long
last year seems like sooo long ago
i miss u guys so much
my head is turmoil...


sorry that was a jumbal...
however u spell it...
okay, i have a reason for everything(lie...)
but I do have a reason for this...
several.. actually
1-
this will be my last entry of the year
I wont be able to write anything in the next 5 days
because i'm going to go to Dubai...

2-
my head is in turmoil and I miss u guys soo much
I know I already started that...
but its soo true...

the minute I started typing this,
I started crying...
just a little..
I don't know what to do anymore...
but I guess I dont have the right to say that
now do I

u know, screw that...
who says, I dont have that right?
i dont know
i dont know anything
nothing
Im not even sure the sun is going to come up again tomorrow
I dont know

I mean that's probably whats going to happen
but I cant be sure
just because its been rising for millions of years
makes no difference for why it will rise tomorrow

I am reallllly scared...
I dont know what to do anymore

okay
I got to stop ranting...
I'll go slow
deep breaths

just promise u wont hate me?
or get annoyed

that's one of my fears
a fear that I'm being too clingy onto u guys with this blog
that I tell u more than u need to know
but then again
where else is all this supposed to go?
and if I cant tell friends, then who can I tell?

I really, really, really miss you guys...
everyday, all I want to do is give you all a great big hug

i stopped talking after Egypt...
i know u know this..
I wrote something about this
but it wasn't very clear
(by the way, if you haven't figured this out already, this is going to be one long entry...and it's going to spill it all... well almost... I know I always say spill it all, but most of it.. the stuff thats making my head into turmoil..)

In Egypt, I fell in love
not with a guy
actually with the country
the people
and most of all
you guys
friendship

so when I came back
I missed u guys sooooooooooooo much
and I still do
I wonder if u noticed that I've actually been saying I love you in the emails...
and I mean as friends..
remeber my trust issues?
and high school
god...
stupid egypt..
and challenge day
I didn't tell u guys any of this...
I mean, not on here...

but I mean this works...
right??
or is it just me
see
one of my fears is
I think I'm getting progress
and closer to you guys
but its really just an illusion for me
you know
like holding onto something that's already gone
thats kinda how I felt after egypt...
like I was still holding on to you guys
with this blog
but u were already gone
and not only that...

I was telling u ever thing...
if u really wanted to
u could break me to piece...
hey olivia
I dont know if u still read this or not
probably not
but I forgot if I ever told u that
you broke my heart
u were my closest friend
and when we stopped being friends
it hurt
and I'm sorry
for everything I've done..
I really am

I'm soooo sorry
this year was soo crazy
I really miss u guys
I mean after egypt
high school started
and I hated it
and then that stupid challenge day
in October I think
no
november
and she died..
did I tell u my grandaunt died...
she was like a mom to my mom
like her role model
she had a phd
and she was healthy
she got hit by a car
and she is the one we were going to go see in Dubai
stay in her house
have fun....
now we are going to see her grave
get some closure...

she died...
and then that stupid challenge day came
where u had to tell everything
let it out...
they all know
and I did it wrong...
i dont even know why it was bad
I just got closer

but then again, I forgot to tell them about my trust issues
which i still have
especially with a lot of people dying in my family
I am not living in constant fear that someone even closer to me than my grandaunt, is going to die..
I couldn't deal with that...
I'd be devasted

I haven't told u guys everything yet
and worse...
u haven't told me anything
and no one knows anything
and now, I'm living in this constant regret
that they will never know...
and if I dont do anything
that regret will stay permenant
people dont stay forever
time doesn't last all day
u cant tell someone u love them someday
if they really matter to u
u should tell them every chance u get
and Im trying...
giving more hugs and kisses than nessaccary...
but and telling them I love them sooo much
but I still feel soo far apart...
how do these gaps even start?

I have a question
b/c someone close to u
needs u more than u need them
does that mean u shouldn't open up to them
till their ready?

but what if they never get ready?
then what?

I dont know
but I couldn't bear that answer...
which is what I'm so afraid of
b/c that answer can be soo easily reached...

why do we put ourselves into these situations?
where there are those gaps anyways?
why?
becuase we are scared? maybe?

I'm more scared of what would become of if I don't overcome that fear...

I feel like I'm million miles apart from everyone...
and aren't I supposed to be one of those lucky ones?
what do u think that says for everyone else,
who aren't the lucky ones...


I am sooooooo scared...
I dont want to loose anyone
and I tell myself
that the sun will rise tomorrow
just like it has been every day
for like a gazillion years
and for that same reason
I will have more days with the people I love...
I miss you guys sooo much...
I'm still crying...



...
...
...
did I tell u guys that my parents are getting a divorce...
U have no clue what will happen to my dad
my mom probably expects me to live with her
she probably thinks she needs me more than he does
but truth is
I think he needs me more
no one else is this close to him
if I don't stay with him
who else will give him those hugs and kisses everyday
but the same goes for my mom

but my bro will probably go with her...
maybe he will give her the hugs and kisses she needs...


it would devaste my mom if I picked my dad though..
it always does...
and it devastes my dad everytime I pick my mom
but he is soo quiet about it...

i can just imagine how he must feel
his family is half a world away
and he has a wife who is divorcing him
a son who really doesn't believe in him
and no job anymore..

he was forced to move here
although he would probably do better here than he do other places since this place has arabic people... who at least understand him
he always looks like a wounded puppy
a puppy that was once strong
but now wounded and lonely
so how admit he needs someone
i give him the biggest hugs..


my heart hurts... my head is going insane...
did I tell u I went on the roof again..
this time with a witness
and it was raining
and I was in heels but it was soo quiet and beautiful
I dont know why I dont stay longer up there
its probably because I'm scared...
not of heights...

I dont know
someone finding out...
why do i say, I dont know when I do know?>
its because I've been trained that way
the same way, I've been trained to say good when someone asks me how I'm doing...

going on the roof has to deal with my trust issues
thats why challenge day was so 'bad'...
people found out...
got closer to me
all the better to hurt me...
but then again, why do I assume the worst?
maybe they will become my friend...
and me theirs...

that would be nice...
I stopped crying just to let u know...
Can I ask whoever reads this two more questions?

1-Am I doing this wrong? This whole I'm giving u my trust over the internet thing..? any person could read this onces they find out I made up raphire...
actually, I'm still not sure I made her up...
I think shes my nobody... or maybe im her's...


my friend...
I dont know if she's reading this,
but she wrote a quote...
a poem more like it
that I cant get out of my head
its the new question

a quote from the poem is this...
"tears are happiness escaping frrom your body...
I swear...
thats deap...
okay
I'm gong to sleep now

I feel a lot beter..


Ohh...
and I have one more thing to say...
MS.. thanks for being my friend and reading my last message
I've really been meaning to call you
but I havent got a chance
and I really wanted to call u the day I went insane(like begining of december)
and I really wanted to call when after I read your comment
but couldn't
so I wrote here
hoping you would read this..
knowing u would read this...
I really wanted to say thanks... for staying my friend..


LOVE,
ayat


bye bye 2008
u were crazy, no INSANE..